It has been almost a year since my last post. I thought I would share a few “funny” moments and a reality check.

Several years ago when Alex would have been about 10, we looked after someone’s dog over the Christmas break while they went on vacation. At that time we had a large unfinished basement area where the kids would play. The visiting dog had been down there and had an “accident” which I cleaned up and said “well, he must be nervous”. With the second accident I recall saying (jokingly) “well little buddy, one more of these and you need to start packing your bags”.  Alex of course must have heard this and took note – literally of course.

A few years later we were preparing to move and going through things stored in the basement. I came across a large tin of Lincoln Logs which the kids used to play with when they were younger. For those who don’t know what they are, they are basically a set of wooden building blocks but shaped so you can built little log cabins (very cool). I remember my husband saying “hey the neighbours little kids would love those – leave them to the side and I will take them over”. About a week later, just before taking them over, I thought I would double check to see if all the pieces were in the bin and proceeded to open the lid. I think I got knocked back a few feet from the smell. As I emptied the contents on the floor – let’s just say there were a few decomposing “logs” of a very different colour and a lot of dried up paper towel. I could not figure out how “poop” ever made its way into the bin? I proceeded to ask Alex and his sister if they had any idea how on earth what appeared to be “poop” got into the Lincoln Log bin. Alex was very calm and methodical with his response. “Well mom, I realized that the little dog would not make it back to his house alive if you sent him ‘packing’ and I decided to save his life by hiding his poop. You should be proud of me”.  “Yes Alex that was very thoughtful but why hide them in the Lincoln Log tin – why did you not throw them in the garbage or for that matter flush them away?” I asked. “Oh well, I figured you might hear or see that so I was discreet” replied Alex. “You always tell me to be ‘discreet’ because it means to be careful with one’s speech or actions to avoid causing more problems”. “Yes it does Alex, thank you” I said knowing this concept of discreetness would continue to be a challenge.

When Alex was a bit older, I think 13 or 14, he was fortunate to attend a great program in the summer for young people on the spectrum that offered a weekly summer camp that included overnight camping.  The program was run out of a Conservation Area north of where we used to live. I remember he really loved it and if we ever were driving by the area on our way to visit family he would see it and say “hey that’s where I went to camp”. One time, however, he said “hey that is where there was a bear”. My husband and I both paused and looked at each other and said “Bear?” I then said “Alex you have never mentioned a bear before – are you sure? I think the councillors would have mentioned that”. This is when it took an unexpected turn. “Well they thought it was a bear” said Alex. “We went for a hike in the morning and came across a really big poop and I said hey look at that – it’s from a bear. Everyone gathered around it and started poking it with sticks” The counsellors told us not to poke it and to just keep walking. I said I really thought it was from a bear because it was big and we should not hike in the woods where there are bears. The counsellors said there were no bears and to keep going.”

Then Alex started to laugh a lot. “Alex what is so funny?” “Well it was me” he said laughing even louder now, “I pooped on the trail. It was so funny, they were so scared.” “What?” I exclaimed. “Why would you do that outside? Were there not washrooms or outhouses?” “Yes there were mom, but I got up in the night with my flashlight and walked a few steps into to the woods to go – it was a lot closer and avoided waking anyone up. So when they started poking it I just went along with it – I used my discretion” he said still laughing. At this point my only response was “well Alex please don’t do that again – please use the restroom – no discretion there”.

Alex loves to walk and we often head out on long walks to get in his “steps”. He sticks to the same route most times and sometimes he stops to grab a snack or a drink. A few years ago we were on a walk and passing a local church when Alex said “hi John!” to a man coming out of the side building. “Hello” said the man. I said “Alex how you know that person?” He replied “oh he is the janitor, John. He’s a Blue Jays fan and has a son like me”. It never ceases to amaze me how Alex can remember things about people. “What? When did you meet him?” I asked. “Oh one day I was coming back from a walk and I had a really bad feeling in my stomach. There was no way I would make it home.” Now I kind of knew what was coming – the discretion talk – or at least I was thought it would be. “So what did you do?” I said. “Well, I went into the church and asked if I could use the washroom. John was mopping the floor and said yes be quick and don’t bother anyone”. After I was done I had a flushing problem, I didn’t want to bother anyone so I went out to find a plunger on my own. I passed a room full of people and stopped to ask them if they knew where the plungers were because I had plugged up the toilet. They laughed – well not all of them – some looked angry. So I just decided to leave and on the way out I apologized to John. That is when he said ‘it’s okay young man I understand. I have a son like you – maybe not as talkative but I understand’. He then smiled and said ‘see you soon’. I thought he was nice and if I see him I always say hi and he says hi to me – that is when I found out he’s a Blue Jays fan”. I reflected on that to realize how fortunate we were in that situation that someone like John understood Alex.

I was thinking back on some of the things Alex has said or done that have made us or others laugh or cry and also reflected on how, in the wrong context, those statements or actions could have resulted in a very different situation. We have experienced many situations where people have not been understanding which has led to some really unfortunate circumstances. Alex has been removed from places and in some cases banned and not permitted to return. It seems what we believe were harmless actions or words, albeit inappropriate and for which he has apologized, have been seen as highly offensive and unacceptable to others.

I do understand peoples’ reactions – we are all human – but still wonder how it benefits anyone to marginalize people on the spectrum and not look to ways to make changes and improvements to be more inclusive and understanding.  Recently I was appalled to read about a young man with autism tazered by police as he sat in his underwear playing in the leaves in someone’s yard. I thought to myself how Alex could easily again end up in a situation where his actions were not seen as funny or even unusual and the fear that people just don’t understand or know what to do. Nothing, however is an excuse for the excessive use of force in a non-threatening situation and there needs to be far better training by police and better awareness by everyone to avoid such terrible actions.

My hope is that people will take the time to be more aware, more tolerant, more understanding. Maybe shake their heads and say “okay?” instead of responding with anger and intolerance. As Alex always tells me when he hears the phrase “killing me with kindness”. “Mom, kindness never really killed anyone, right?” Right.