Aerosmith, $20 and a Flake

I remember reading an article that talked about how people with autism have an inability to exhibit certain emotions such as compassion or jealousy. While I believe there are many on the spectrum that struggle with emotions, everyone displays emotions in very different ways. Some wear them on their sleeves (yours truly). I said this to Alex once and he just looked at my wrist and asked, “Where are they?”

Alex has actually never exhibited jealousy but definitely has shown compassion. This seems to have become more apparent as he has grown older. When Alex was about fifteen I remember walking past an older man in a wheelchair on a busy city street. The man had a sign on his chest that read, “Please Help a War Vet”. Alex stopped and asked him, “What happened?” The man told him he had lost his legs in an accident. Alex then said, “Do you have someone who takes care of you?” The man replied, “No I can take care of myself”. Alex then said, “ Well why do you need help?” The man just looked at Alex and shook his head. Alex said, “I can’t help you right now because my mom and I are going to see a concert. I can ask her if she can get an extra ticket – do you like Aerosmith?” “No thanks” the man replied and gestured for Alex to move along.

Many of us never stop to talk to people who are on the streets. In fact we often tell our kids to just walk by them and don’t talk to them. I have been guilty of this. In Alex’s case I often tell him not to stop to talk to them because I want to avoid a possible altercation as Alex often feels the need to find out why they are homeless or asking for money and what they are going to do with money if they get it. I have watched Alex reach into his wallet and hand over a $10 bill to a young guy sitting on a corner. Try asking for that back by explaining “oh I am sorry my son doesn’t understand, he has autism, he didn’t mean to do that can you hand that back” That is clearly not going to happen so trying to avoid the situation becomes the best course of action.

So the conversation is a delicate one with Alex. While we are thrilled that he has compassion in his thinking register we need to tell him he cannot give all his money away and he needs to use discretion and be cautious around people. People have and will take advantage of someone like Alex. This has become even more important as Alex works on his independence as an adult and he continues to learn from life’s experiences.

When Alex was attending school last year he had to transfer buses at the main terminal which was in an area that was known to have a number of transient people. I never forget receiving a call from Alex stating that he had taken the wrong bus and missed his transfer and that it was okay because he had met a guy named Jim and while he was a “bit” lost they were just going to hang out for the rest of the day. I told Alex to stay where he was and that I would come and get him. I drove to the bus terminal and pulled over on a side street and called Alex. “We are on our way,” he said. I thought who are “we”? I then saw Alex approaching the corner with a guy behind him wrapped in a sleeping bag. They both came up to the car window. As I rolled it down Alex said, “Hey mom this is Jim. He’s homeless. I gave him $20 and bought him a flake (the British chocolate bar) and told him he could come live with us”. The mixed aroma of pot smoke and a sleeping bag that has never been washed seemed to circle around Jim’s presence. He, Jim, just smiled and gave me a wink. “Sorry Alex, Jim can’t come live with us right now. I’m sure he has people here who can help him out here and we don’t really know him that well. Sorry Jim we really have to go.” “But mom, I told him he could!” “Alex we can talk about it later but we have to go,” I said. Jim just smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Alex said, “Well Jim I guess it’s adios, don’t spend the money on drugs.”

I actually think Alex has taught me to be far less judgmental and far more compassionate – both good qualities. And I thought I was the only one who liked flake chocolate bars!